How to Support Survivors of Coercive Control

by Dr. Saira Khan

I graduated from Columbia University in New York City and then became a licensed clinician in the state of California in 2006.  Fifteen years ago, I moved to London.

Ten years ago, after a lengthy struggle with depression and anxiety and despite a positive attitude, engagement in daily life, friends, active social life, healthy lifestyle, I came to the painful awakening that something was wrong in my relationship of 20 years. I gathered my strength and made a plan on how to begin to move away from where I was, while still living with my abuser.  Despite knowing psychology and being a therapist, a feminist and educated, I was trapped in another country with two small children in my care. This led to my journey to requalifying as a counselling psychologist in the United Kingdom.  I dedicated my doctorate research to recovery from coercive control.   Since then, I have worked in the NHS, in charities and in private health care. Really, what I learned was that after the abuse what was essential was recovery from trauma.

During my separation, people turned against me, or reacted in ways that were confusing or hurtful. In the end, I had three people who supported me throughout my journey and these three people supporting me, enabled me to support my children.  Simple kindness which consisted of listening to me on the phone and having a place to drink a coffee made life bearable.  Since the pandemic, the dialogue of domestic violence has grown and my hope is that people will be responding better to survivors, because when people do not respond well, this adds more trauma to our plate.  So, first there is the trauma of the abuse, and the then the trauma of not being believed or responded to kindly.  Or worse, shamed, judged or vilified. For this reason, many survivors chose to remain silent, and silence helps abuse to thrive.

This is what I learned on how to best support survivors in recovery:

1. Believe them and be patient.

It takes a lot of courage to open up about abuse.  Survivors carry blame and shame and feel badly airing their private lives.  The last things they want is pity.  We are strong. That is what contributed to us staying as long as we did.  Something is wrong and victims can’t explain why or not sure themselves what is happening.  Trauma means survivors have difficulty explaining what has happened.  The part of the brain that processes memories does not function well under threat.  They are confused, because they are viewing the world through the lens of the abuser, they are not sure what reality is, or if even they are really abused.  They may go back and forth trying to work it out.  They might ask you the same question over and over because they are not sure themselves what happened. The abuser is likely manipulating people around them and quite possibly distorting reality with grains of truth.  He said, she said, whose narrative is true and usually the survivor questions themselves.  Survivors might be understandable angry, and this plays right into the view the abuser is trying to portray – that the survivor is crazy. Survivors are very rarely calm, cool, rational and collected unless they are given the time and space to feel safe.  I personally believe time reveals the truth.   Be patient.

2. A survivor will not trust you.  Do not take this personally.

With the diagnosis for repeated PTSD in the DSM it will state that survivors feel “others do not understand them”.  This is because other people who have not been abused don’t get this, of course they don’t.  Also, how can someone who has experienced a betrayal of this magnitude from someone they have placed their trust and care in easily trust other people?  Survivors have witnessed the horror of the human psyche and that someone who is “normal” to everyone else behind closed doors sadly is someone else entirely.  Survivors learn that this could be anyone and look for malicious intent and may try to understand the agenda behind every interaction.  Survivors often tell me that they think 40-50% of people are untrustworthy because that has been their experience. Be transparent, show them with actions and be true to your word.  Taking the time to show them you are trustworthy will facilitate their healing.

3. If you remain neutral, you have sided with the abuser.

If you have someone tell you about abuse, support them.  When it comes to domestic abuse, it does not “take two to tango”. And while there are two sides to every story, there is no justification for abuse. Domestic abuse is not the same as a relationship with problems and it is only the perpetrator of abuse that bears responsibility. If you listen to and support both parties, you are sending the message that both people are to blame.  Survivors cannot have a dialogue or make something work with someone who is trying to actively harm them and/or their children.  If you are listening to both sides, then it is very likely you are probably letting the abuser know vital information about the victim and abusers will use this information to hurt the victim.  If you remain neutral do not be surprised or hurt if the survivor stops communicating with you to protect themselves

4.  A survivor does not need advice, unless they ask you what you think.

Remind survivors what they have achieved, what they are capable of, their strengths.  Tell them you believe in them.  If they ask you for your advice, offer it lightly and encourage them to explore all the options and decide what is best for them.  Help them think through those options.  Do not tell them what to do.  Their identity has been slowly eroded and they need your support to build it back up again.  Even the smallest decision may be difficult. This is the work, reconnecting with themselves and what they like, what they don’t like.  The permission to make mistakes.  Making decisions help them regain their confidence.    

5. Help them find people who will understand them.

Survivors need a lot of validation and support through compassion for healing and the more support, the better.  Help survivors connect to others who do understand, this can be online, in person or in therapy.  They just need a few people to help validate their experience, emotions and reflect understanding and empathy.  Responding with compassion facilitates healing and facilitates recovery.  Healing from abuse in relationships requires healing in safe relationships.  We all can be part of that healing. Compassion is the balm to threat.

1. Believe them and be patient

2. Know they will not trust you. Prove them wrong.

3. Do not remain neutral

4. Encourage them to trust themselves

5. Encourage them to connect to others who will support them

There are people who will get this.  You can do this, there is hope on the other side.

Dr Saira Khan

www.mendality.com